Dear Diary, Today, I won.
I just wanna put some things no one knows about ‘out there’ in the world.
Today, I won.
I won… my entire childhood? I feel like a legendary hero who beat the worthless piece of shit that literally abused so many people around him, and continues to try to do so to this day.
Today, a strange number called me, I realised who it was and hung up right away. I only answered cause I thought the restaurant I was ordering from were calling me for some reason. Maybe they were out of something.
The weirdo proceeded to try to call me again and again, then he called my sister. She asked me to just answer him so she doesn’t have to deal with his drama, but I told her that I will not be blamed for his actions. I convinced her that he was a piece of bull diarrhoea, and it worked. We both were like, we don’t want to speak to you, get in your fucking place.
Instead of leaving me alone after I sent VERY CLEAR messages that I want nothing to do with him, he texted me.
His first message?
Basically asked me, ‘what is wrong with you’. It’s funny how he never changes.
That was the first sign that I was right not to answer the worst person I’ve ever had the displeasure to know.
But the real gold nugget? The moment that made me and my sister laugh our asses off because it was just so ridiculous?
The abusive, clearly borderline, worthless crap had the audacity to say, “You don’t deserve good father like me”. Bad grammar and all.
Btw, his grammar is so bad, I am not sure how one person can keep such horrendous grammar for 50+ years, and yet, when he was with my mother, he always mocked her and made her feel bad for ever trying to speak English.
Oh yeah, my mother. She was a nice person, you know. And then he abused her so much, she developed a traumatic Core Wound (aka the thing you get stuck inside you when you get traumatised, I have been using Jackson’s definitions since I read the book because they make PERFECT. SENSE.), and now she has a Narcissistic Protective Self. He caused so much harm to all of us, and my mother chose to be a crappy person because of it. She is not exempt from her responsibility over her choices, but he did cause her to be in the position to have to make that decision. So, again, awful, just awful.
And the thing is? He has always been like this. He blamed his family for so much, when he’s always treated them HORRIBLY. But no, poor him, his father, at a time when beating your children was literally so normal, all I have to say to him is, ‘boo hoo, you got hit for being a useless, worthless piece of crap, how sad for you’. But, of course, I don’t interact with such a toxic wasteland of a creature, because, you know what? I don’t want to be in a position where I even have to say anything like that to anyone. And you know what? It’s so useless to try to talk sense into these creatures, because, unless they ask for help from a professional, and get intensive therapy for YEARS, they will never change.
So, you are right to walk away from someone who makes you feel alert and anxious when they try to interact with you.
I was alert and on edge, I immediately felt like there was danger. That’s clearly not a reaction you’re supposed to have with people, which means you can keep anyone who makes you feel that way out of your life.
Anyway, he said I didn’t deserve a good father like him, when he’s the worst father to have ever lived. No exaggeration. I can’t think of any father worse than someone who literally imprisons his children, starves them, feeds them really shitty fast food whenever he feels like feeding them, and deprives them of basic needs and rights, like going to school or simply LEAVING THE HOUSE. EVER.
I was too busy laughing at his ridiculous, fit-throwing message, where he was trying to make me feel bad about myself by saying things like ‘I’ll act like you never existed’, because that’s a healthy, normal, mature thing for a father to say to his daughter, right, guys? Soooooooooooo normal, totally not so stupid it’s actually shocking how someone like this can exist… to notice that he was trying to tell me what I do and don’t deserve.
First of all, fuck that. I honestly hope he gets arrested for his never-ending debts soon. Make him rot in a prison cell, where violent criminals can show him just what can be done to him when he tries to treat them the way he does everyone.
But… trying to tell me what I deserve?
I think that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Borderlines will be borderlines, I guess.
(Disclaimer: I am not trying to demonise people with that condition… I am specifically pointing out the horrible shit he does to people, and where it comes from. Labeling it helps you to realise that none of it actually means anything, it has nothing to do with you, and nothing they ever say holds any substance, because they are wrong about everything. In fact, it’s quite often projecting, where they actually mean ‘I’m shit but I will try to deflect that by calling you shit’).
He flipped out SO HARD and made it SO OBVIOUS that I had FULL CONTROL. It was so funny to me!
Moreover, it was so… nice. I was happy. My brain was happy. It felt like it was a moment of ‘this idiot that made me feel horrified and awful is… ridiculous, stupid, ludicrous’. It was really peaceful.
I wanted to put this idiocy out there in the world because I just felt like exposing things people wouldn’t know otherwise, for no reason other than my own amusement.
I just feel like… man, I really don’t care anymore. I honestly couldn’t care less. Not only am I no longer scared of him or care about his existence, I am just… done. I am at peace. I know for a fact that I can get better and live my life, because all the bad things I experienced are over, I am in control, and I will have to be smote down by all the mythological beings capable of such an act for anyone to stop me from getting what I want.
I am genuinely better, on an inherent level, and I am just ready to live life again. I am free, guys.
I am so excited for the next part of my life.
I am ready to move forward.
Soon enough, I will not have a terrified little child’s voice that’s been twisted into an angry, fearful, hateful beast that wants to destroy everything inside me. I will simply have me and nothing else.
I am going forward, forging my own path, and I will never give up. I will not let anything, or very specifically, anyone, get in my way.
Knock me down, I will stand back up. Because that’s how I am.
Writing about all this really helps. Making it publicly available somehow makes it even better.
Who knows. Maybe I’ll write an ‘autobiography’ about all the shit I went through and how I made it out the other end.
Have a lovely, intellectually autonomous day.
